Day to Day Update...

Goodness…I was doing quite well at posting on a regular basis…until lately. I have a certain subject that I plan on writing about later. I’m trying to collect my thoughts and explore a little bit more. It will be on selfishness. That is so huge with me…I believe, that in itself is selfish! Anyway, I’ve always known I was selfish, but for the past few months I’ve been really focusing on the issue. My own selfishness goes much deeper than I had originally thought…scary!!


Anyway, an update on my day-to-day:


Scott got a job with a pool company. Yea! It’s a full time job which will keep him extremely busy. We still have the company we started, but since acquiring customers has been a slow process, we had to add a full time job on top of that. Hopefully, the economy will be better next spring and we’ll be able to add a bunch more customers, so he can move onto our company full time. I have been very proud of him…he’s kept himself quite busy with all our extra jobs.


I am still working at my job…boring! My work is so boring and unfulfilling…but it’s a pay check. I’m trying to avoid the “issue people” at work…I think they intentionally target me to see if I’ll break. I will not get into all the drama at work…I really don’t care enough too!


October is fast approaching and it will be time for a month packed full of birthdays and anniversaries! I’ll be broke by the end of the month, in other words! Anyway, I will enjoy the celebrations!


Medical-wise: went to the doctor again for more tests…hopefully I’ll hear better results. Tests should come back tomorrow! I’m still not sleeping! Yikes! I’ve had insomnia throughout my life…so, I’m used to it. Not that it’s okay, but it’s the least of my issues.


Good news though…mom has offered to help me get a reduction! I’m a little scared and very excited. I will be making my appointment with the plastic surgeon soon to get my request to the insurance company so they’ll hopefully approve me. It will be so different…I’m used to having what I have…but, I think I’ll be happy with a little less! I’m trying to get Scott used to the idea!


I went to a funeral Saturday of a co-worker from my last job. I haven’t seen the lady in about 5 years, but I enjoyed the talks we used to have. To hear of her passing was shocking, but I knew she had been battling with certain issues. I debated on whether to go to the funeral or not, I’m glad I did. It’s strange how you can work with someone for so long and really not know who they are once they leave the office. The funeral also made me reflect on things in my own life…things I take for granted. One issue heavily on my mind was what I may be taking for granted, and also that I don’t want to be taken for granted. When I spoke to Scott after I got home, he said I was being “sappy”! I guess I was. But, it was so heartbreaking to hear family member after family member telling their mother, aunt, grandmother, etc. how they felt about her…when only her body was present. I don’t know if she was told everything prior to her death, but I always worry about leaving things unsaid. I think everyone takes some part of their loved ones for granted. A death of someone you know is tough, but it’s always a good time reflect and make some observations and improvements in your own life.

Well, I will start working on the selfishness entry and post later this week...hopefully!

The Mountain

Marriage has been on my mind a lot lately. Scott & I will be celebrating our 7th anniversary next month on October 19th! Throughout that time, it seems like time stood still while at other times, it flew by us too quickly. Both of us are very passionate people; we love passionately and fight passionately! We’ve been through some extremely hard times, even at points wondering how long we could continue with our marriage. In today’s society, jumping off the “marriage mountain” is all too common. When I met Scott, I had just landed from jumping off the marriage mountain about a year before. For some reason, when I met him, I knew I was ready to try and climb the mountain again. I think in part, it was because Scott was confident that we would be successful and he had not one doubt in his mind.

I imagine the marriage mountain being quite high, like Everest. Along the climb, I see scenic stops…ledges where you can just stand still, catch your breathe and enjoy the view. Other parts of the mountain are a little tricky. I see rocks beneath your feet falling to the ground, loosing your footing…disappointments. While on the climb the importance of communication, cheering each other on, and being dependable are necessary to make it to the top. The importance of a solid footing with each step you take can mean life and death…having a foundation with God. There are many peaks, hidden caves, and off-the-beaten path trails to explore while on the journey. The most important thing is to not get side tracked with the climb. To keep reaching and striving higher and higher to the peak is the ultimate victory in marriage. No one can make the climb alone…it takes both working and helping equally to make the victory happen.

Scott & I are still in the beginning stages of the mountain. At first I think, the beginning stages? It’s been so hard. But, then I look at the entire picture and see how much more we get to climb and work together on this journey. We wouldn’t appreciate who we are today without the disappointments and hard work of the past. I’m excited and a little scared at the climb ahead. Scared because of the unknown…hoping for things we’ve longed for and the “what ifs” of life. Excited because I believe we can make this climb successful and enjoy each step forward. So, on with the journey…

Sweet Ignorance

As a kid, I never worried about much at all. I would go about my life touching whatever I wanted to with no fear of germs, drinking from the same straw as my best friend, riding my bike around the neighborhood, and running off from my mom’s sight in a department store.

Sadly, those innocent things can no longer be done without any fear. It seems the world has taken on so many fears of everything. Handy wipes are in every mother’s bag, sharing a straw is strictly prohibited, riding in the neighborhood is no longer safe, nor is running out of a mother’s sight in a store. And, don’t even think of being blood brothers or sisters! Or the “let’s make a pact” handshake where you and your best friend spit on your palm and then shake hands.

It seems that there is a new fear popping up on a daily basis. The latest being the Swine Flu and the fear that capitalism is no longer apart of the American government. Within the last few years, major fears have included Y2K, weapons of mass destruction, Anthrax in your mail, and SARS. Seriously, what is this world coming to? I guess every generation lives through a major fear…I think of all the bomb shelters of the 50’s.

I think it’s good to be aware, but with all the possibilities and realities for evil in this world, it is hard to manage it all. I can manage dealing with fear #1, 2, 3, & 4…but, my brain is on over load for all the warnings of fear #5-1,000! If a person were to listen and be “on guard” for all the fearful “could happens” just in one day’s worth of the news, they would become insane. It makes me wonder if the darkness of this world has almost totally consumed all the light.

I miss the sweet ignorance of childhood, but now understand the importance of awareness. I think the most important thing to remember is that it’s up to me (and each individual) to make this life worth living. A life worth living isn’t full of darkness or fear. So many things could happen…but, what’s worse: living with fear and expecting something bad to happen, or living with an awareness, being free from fear, and living each day to the fullest? I would rather have 1 day of life being free from fear, than live 100 years in darkness. I truly believe that darkness is creeping up trying to engulf any light in this world. It is up to us to push that darkness back…it’s a daily fight.

Knowing and Really Knowing…

Do you know who Brad Pitt is? I know of him. I know about him. I’ve seen him in magazines and movies. So, yes I know him. Really? Do you know who your mother is? I know of her. I know about her. I’ve seen her almost every day of my life. I know what she expects from me. I know the lessons she taught me. I know her past history. I know the gifts (guidance and blessings) she has given me. I hear her speak to me. I speak with her just about everyday. I know how much she loves me.

So, do you know or really know who God is? The difference between knowing Brad Pitt and knowing my mother are two entirely different things. Why do I know my mother so well? Because I have worked and sought a relationship with her, she worked and sought a relationship with me. Knowing and creating a relationship takes time, patience, and love. Having a relationship is a huge commitment to not be taken lightly.

So, do you know God like you know Brad Pitt? Or, do you know God by sharing in a relationship with Him? He has to be the center and the most important relationship in your life.

Easy or Pleasing?

What would happen if you were to roll around in a tar pit? For one, you would have quite a hard time making your way out of it. It takes a lot of strength and willpower to walk through a thick, deep pit. Once you’ve made your way out, what happens if you don’t scrub all that tar off of yourself? Cleaning yourself off of all remnants of tar immediately upon exiting is the easiest and fastest way to get clean. If the decision is to just stand their on the edge of the tar pit doing nothing but looking back and replaying in your mind over and over again the struggle you spent within it or trying to blame another for you being in it in the first place, the tar begins to dry. Once the tar dries, it adheres to your body like a second skin. The tar sticks to the most sensitive and deep crevices of your body. When you finally do realize you want to get yourself clean, the hard work of peeling each layer of the tar off your being begins. With each layer, the pain of the tar being separated from your being hurts the deeper you get. The closer the tar is to the center of you, the more pain tearing it away may cause.

Some people would want another person to come and rescue them…for them to do all the hard work of tearing away each layer is too much for them. But, many people don’t have enough time or energy or even will to do such a job for another person, they are too busy removing the tar off of themself. Some people don’t want to help because they think that once they have invested a great deal of time in the job, that you will only jump in the pit again. It is not anyone else’s job to rescue you. There is nothing wrong with having people encourage you during this time, but if someone else does it entirely for you, what have YOU overcome? Some people begin the process of tearing off the layers, but quickly give up and just live within their new skin. There is no beauty in hiding within a different skin. It takes much more time to connect with a person who is hiding within themselves.

Some people get used to the tar pits and just stay in it as if it’s their new comfort zone. They make it their new home, their new “safe” place. They don’t even consider leaving because they know if they get out, there is so much hard work that they either just don’t want to do or they don’t think they are able to do. They stay in the pit sometimes because they think their loved ones would expect them to get clean quickly, and if they fail they would have disappointed those they love. So, in an attempt to avoid failing their family, they stay away…whether it be emotionally or physically.

One of the many uses of tar is to waterproof. It was used heavily on wooden boats prior to the use of steel and iron. If you are covered in tar and slow to clean yourself, you have essentially become water proof…water will only drip away from you and not even touch what is underneath that layer of tar. My point being, God’s word washes us clean and renews us…when we are open to it. If we have layers upon layers of tar covering our being, no water can reach us inside. It’s grieving to think that many people choose to lay in the tar pit, or are slow to remove all the tar out of fear, or just run back in the pit so they won’t get wet. Myself included, have chosen to keep a layer on so I couldn’t get wet or at least keep pieces of myself covered. The key is to work daily on removing every bit, every speck of tar covering any place that needs to be washed clean with God’s flowing water. It’s easy to be dirty…but much more pleasing to be clean!

Ready or Not...

Are you ready for everything that comes your way? Most people aren’t. No matter if it’s the car breaking down and you don’t have the funds readily available to repair it, or if there is an unexpected death in the family. A life of worry and fear can actually prepare one for almost everything life may throw at you that is unexpected. But, who would really want to live that way?

My motto has been to always hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst. That motto involves playing out the scenario of the worst possible events in life to go through my mind. I tend to have a great ability to picture in detail the most tragic events in life. This basically means, I have felt the pain of grief of losing my family in death, the hurt of adultery, and the gruesome vision of the people closest in fatal accidents. I have also felt the fear inside of hearing my doctor diagnose me with a terminal disease, of seeing myself lose control of my car, and feel the loneliness of my husband leaving me. Many people have worries and fears and some take their “visions” to a deeper level than I have and some just barely skim the surface. I believe those who go much deeper than I have must be in great and constant torment. So, has my way of preparing myself for the worst prepared me for the pain I have put myself through in doing so? To even imagine any one traumatic event happening can cause days and months of constant, obsessive worry. When the huge cloud of worry has passed, what good has it done? None at all. Even if the traumatic event did happen, the only comfort would be that I saw it coming. There would be no less pain or grief just because I had envisioned such an event happening. So, in preparing myself, I have only caused myself more hurt and have allowed the great tormentor to control my mind. I wonder how the schizophrenics of this world were when they weren’t yet fully in their disease. Did they start out as thinking they were just preparing themselves for the worst? Did they take it just one level up from the mainstream worries of today? I wonder how many deaths are caused by worry. Worry can affect your body as well as your mind. The worry of what could happen in life may cause some to give up on life altogether before their time.

And, when does a person become obsessed due to their worry and fears? I believe there is a very thin line between the two. A woman can suspect her husband of cheating on her (which would be worry and fear) so she asks him if he has. What about when she starts living with the wild scenarios of the possible adultery? A woman who envisions situations and pictures her husband committing adultery and starts asking (accusing) him daily, checking his cell phone, his credit card bills, his briefcase has now become obsessed and is being tormented daily with the fears that only years before was just a mild worry. There are thousands and thousands of people in the U.S. suffering from such obsessive worries. Most of these people are not diagnosed and are not even seeking help. Not all these people are “the crazies” people picture in their minds as obsessive people.

What about the person who fears that people would look down on them or dislike them for some reason? A woman (or man) could be so afraid of judgment from others that they don’t even leave their house. What is so disturbing about this is the fact that they have merely passed harsh judgments on themselves not even giving the outside world a chance to pass judgment on them! So, who’s in the wrong…themselves or the outside world? Not everyone in the world will have the same view of a person. The person they are hiding from within their home is actually right there with them…it is only themselves.

As we all know worry and fear are not of God, so obviously the whole warped and toxic thinking is of the Devil. How do you fight the Devil? I honestly don’t believe a mere human can fight the Devil all on their own, no matter how strong willed they are. God is the only strength that can win, but it takes a human will to seek Him. Many people tend to take their own will to the fight with the Devil, but they lose. They have left out the most important step (seeking God)…they are only trying to take the “easiest” way out of their situation. Everyone has hopefully learned there is no easy way out.

The mind can be what you allow it to be…it can be healthy or full of fear and worry. There is a choice. Do you seek a relationship or do you seek a one night stand? A one night stand is wanting God to help you out of your mess just for a short time and then leaving His presence only to call for His help again only when you’re in trouble. That is using God for your own selfish needs only on your time. To seek a relationship is a daily, hourly, every second of your life commitment to love and share and take joy in a life-lasting relationship with God. The choice seems so easy, but people fight every day against the Devil and he still manages to grab onto you at times. The main success is the constant walking forward with God. If you let the Devil torment your mind, he will own it. So, the decision as to which way to turn doesn’t seem so hard. How about the new motto: Always be prepared with the weapons God has given you, and always thank God for what He has blessed you with…a sound mind.

On a walk through the wilderness, you may step on a few twigs and may get stung by a couple of bees, but if God is walking beside you He can heal the hurts and pains of the Devil. If you walk alone, you will stop many times to try and nurse your own wounds, yet you will always suffer the pain. So, are you ready...or not to have your mind and body well and free from the torment?

Grandparent's Day!!

Sunday is Grandparent's Day! Most people, myself included, believe this holiday was started by the greeting card companies to boost their profits. But, whether it was for that reason or not, why has it taken so long to recognize the appreciation and love for grandparents? When I was a kid I remember a bunch of my friends didn't have all their grandparents living...some didn't even have or know their grandparents at all. I could not imagine then what that would have been like...nor have I ever wanted to find out. I have always had a soft spot for the elderly...especially in my family...even when they weren't elderly, just merely in their 40's & 50's which in my childhood seemed like elderly. I was blessed to have all 4 grandparents until April of 2001.

In April of 2001, the day after Easter Sunday, I got a dreaded call from my parents around 4:30 am to get to the hospital because they were performing CPR on my grandfather. My grandfather had a surgery a few weeks prior for chronic pain in his back, neck, etc. He was in a recovery hospital which failed to do their jobs which led to his stay in ICU at a real hospital. Even though he was in ICU, I fully expected-with out a doubt in my mind-that he would recover soon. When I visited on Easter Sunday he was unable to speak...he was in bad shape but he had always pulled through in the past. I kneeled at his bedside and remember talking to him and making plans for our dog's birthday party...his baby blue eyes seemed to know what I was saying. He was speaking through his eye movement. I never said goodbye...because I never thought I needed to. Before 24 hours was up, I got the call to come to the hospital. I rushed to pick up my sister and she was crying in the car...I just kept telling her to stop & that he would be okay. We were within 10 feet of the ICU waiting room within view of my parents who had brought my grandmother. My dad walked to meet us and told us he didn't make it. I did not believe him...nor the nurses. I didn't believe anyone until I saw him in the bed. His eyes were no longer open...there was no more communicating. His hand was cold...the hand that would always pat me on my shoulder to comfort me. That was the first death that had turned my world upside down.

Onto happier times...

Pankaw-(my mother's father)he passed in 2001, but lived a long and honorable life. He had very humble beginnings. His mother died when he was a young child and his father worked on the railroad which meant my grandfather was in boarding homes through his childhood. He was a strong believer in hard work and taking pride in building life from very little to making it to where he was...successful in work, family, & friends. He always said he came from the school of hard knocks...and he was justified in saying so. He was a storyteller...I loved hearing his stories...even if it were for the fifth or sixth time! He was a large, yet gentle man. He was a man I greatly admired and respected...not to mention loved very deeply.

Granny-(my father's mother)she passed in 2007. She had suffered for about 7 years with dementia. Her body and some of her mind was there, but she (who she really was) died when she suffered her strokes. She was such a caring woman. She spoiled me whenever I would spend summers with her every year. She hand sewed so many outfits for me and my Barbie's. She was quiet, but could get her temper going if anyone ever was a threat to her family. She was the type to hold me when I was sick, play with my hair when I couldn't sleep. Those quiet moments meant the world to me...she was compassionate and you never wondered if she loved you...you knew it by just her touch.

Jim-(my dad's father) is living in Conroe. He was as patient and understanding as any man could be when faced with my grandmother's situation. He stuck by my grandmother through the 7+ years of her illness. I could see the great love he had for her in those times. He truly loved her passionately. Jim has always been a man of pride. He has taken such pride in his family history. He is the historian of the family...he has linked the old and the new and shown the new how great the old was. He taught me to appreciate my family roots and to not let them disappear and be forgotten.

Granny-(my mom's mother) moved from Sealy to Katy, right next door to my parents about 3 years ago. I have been so blessed to have her so close to me. I love spending time with her...especially when no one else is around. She was the oldest of 6 children. She has always been a strong woman. When I was a kid, she always spoke her mind whether you liked it or not! But, when she told you something, you knew she was saying the truth. When my grandfather died, her heart broke. I had always seen this fiercely strong woman and when he died, I saw her strength falter. For a woman so strong, it was evident of the pain she felt of his loss and the great love she felt for him in life. During the holidays mainly, I see her missing him greatly. There's been something missing in her glow since his death. But, she has remained a strong woman through it all. She always has put forth her best.

I wish I could write everything I feel for them, but I would be going on for days. I will write my greatest lesson from each:

Pankaw Brown-to work hard and with honor and love gently.
Granny Grayson-to be compassionate and to give more than you take.
Jim Grayson-to remember and take pride in your history when your making your future.
Granny Brown-to be strong and know you can endure everything life throws at you.

So, with this Grandparent's Day, my hope for everyone is to truly appreciate your grandparent's whether they are living or have passed. Just remember how they have helped shape your life and add so many great memories. In current times, people are too busy rushing here and there and not taking time to just stop and enjoy each other. I think that is the time in which our grandparents were raised...where you just stop and appreciate what you have.

9/11/01

Today is the 8th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. I'm wondering what all has changed since that time. The patriotism went to such a high peak right afterwards in 2001, but has slowly dwindled down to mild patriotism. It reminds me of the "Easter-Christmas Christians"-the ones who only go to church on the big 2 holidays.

A couple of things that have changed since 9/11/01 has been the great awareness of a potential invasion of the US. People aren't so comfortable anymore. The US isn't as untouchable as it once was thought. There has been much fear instilled within this country. Fear drives people to either run and hide or go crazy and want to overkill the enemy. Since that day, the war has been not only a sign of fighting against terrorism, but the George W. Bush stance that the US won't just sit and take it. The war brought the capture and death of Hussein...that alone was a great victory. The war, though, has been a wake up call to me...I always heard of how when the Vietnam soldiers came home, they were faced with opposition from the very people who they were fighting for. I'm seeing first hand that the soldiers coming home during the current war aren't being faced with much at all. That is grieving to me. It's like no one appreciates or cares what they've done and the personal cost they have endured. People seem content with just going to work, getting their coffee, going out to eat, relaxing at home and maybe watching the news that will only mention how many people had died that day. Why is the death toll of the US soldiers not a huge deal anymore? People have become so consumed in their own world that they only hear a number...they don't see or feel the anguish of each of those number's of families and friends. Is it that Americans has become desensitized to death? Has the value of human life become so low that it doesn't faze us anymore? Not all Americans are so dismissive of the death toll, but many are.

Has 9/11 anniversaries brought any closure to the victim's families or is it just a grim reminder of who caused such an event? Remembering 9/11 is good for the country as a whole...it reminds us of the patriotism we once had and what we should aim to meet again. It reminds of who the enemy is and what they will do to obtain power. It reminds us of all those people who died needlessly and the grief this country felt towards their families. It reminds us of the fact that no where is completely safe and we should always be aware. It reminds us of the importance of American soldiers still fighting in this war. It reminds us that the war is not over and terrorism has not ceased. It reminds us that there is a great potential for another attack...to be ready at all times. It reminds us of the value of everyday life.

In 2006 I went to the World Trade Center...all I saw was a huge pit of dirt. There was no great structure reaching to the sky. There weren't people getting their coffee, parking in the garage, or rushing to make their meeting in time. There was only dirt. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Out of the dust was built a great building, terror came down, and down it went back into dust. The image of people jumping off the higher floors to their death has forever imprinted itself into my mind...not to be ever forgotten. The terror I felt watching both building crashing down, then upon hearing of the Pentagon and the plane crashing into the field was nothing compared to the people in that building. Especially, the people on the other end of the phone listening to their husband of wife saying goodbye because they were certain of their time of death.

These are the times that are the beginning of the end. No one knows exactly when the end will be. But, just like those killed on 9/11/01, when it comes, it is the very end.

So, whether you think the war has or will help the US in the fight against terrorism, take a break from the theories and arguments of whether the US was right or wrong. And give this day to those who deserve it.

Changing my Butt Gear!

Today is Friday...yea!! I should be thrilled and energized just knowing the weekend is fast approaching. But, I'm exhausted! As I wrote yesterday, I was diagnosed with hyper thyroidism and put on meds. The meds aren't working yet (as expected-it takes about 2 weeks to take full effect). I'm feeling the yucks! So, I've been exhausted, etc. for the past month (actually a little over)...I have not kept up to date on my chores at home or errands because it's been so hard just to function. I got ready for work today which takes about an hour from wake to out the door...about 45 minutes into that hour, I was so exhausted. I felt like I had spent a days worth of energy. My legs felt as if they would give out on me. Last week I had gone to the grocery store and 1/4 of the way into grocery shopping, I could barely stand up straight. And, last Sunday going to church...by the time we arrive there I felt like it was time to call it a night...and it was only 10:45 a.m.

So, this weekend, even though I'm not 100%, I need to get my butt in gear and make up for lost time. My house is a total disaster! My laundry hasn't been done in awhile, and just so many odds and ends.

My doctor says I need to diet and exercise...if I don't feel energized enough to get fully ready for work, then exercise is the last thing on my to do list! But, when these meds kick in, I will have to exercise whether I want to or not. Living by the seat of my pants...living for today...has finally caught up with me. All those days of thinking I could worry about my future tomorrow are gone...tomorrow is here!

Stupid Web Scares!!

So, as you can see in my previous post, I was experiencing some cyberchondria. I got the results from my blood test today...and found out that all my symptoms that I looked up online where the results were showing cancer, blood clots, head traumas, etc. were terribly wrong! I have hypothyroidism...the web NEVER gave me that as a result! I think I should start recording this type of conspiracy. I will begin to log any illnesses I, or anyone else I know, has and compare what the internet diagnosis is and the actual diagnosis. i think it would be interesting to see the comparisons. No wonder so many people act crazy in life...they have probably gone online and looked up a stuffy nose and it resulted in a terminal disease so they decided to do stupid things since they have nothing else to lose! If I actually did suffer from a terminal disease and saw a bunch of wackos claiming they have the same disease (by way of cyber diagnosis) I would be so ticked off...but, not for long since I would die soon. Anyway, it's crazy how the mind can play tricks on you...when I saw all the horrible possibilities of life altering or threatening diseases, I began to think "what if?". I guess it's good to always be prepared for the "end", but I think I'll go by the doctor prior to looking anything up online now. Same goes with pets too...the internet can give you some scary results! My german shepard/chow mix had a terrible case of diarrhea and I just knew (from looking online) that he had the life-ending parvo. We took him to the vet, preparing to hear the worst, and learned that he just had a worm. I'm starting to freak out about having children...I think I would go crazy from all the internet disease possibilities!

Hypothyroidism...have to take meds---I hate meds! But, at least it wasn't diabetes...I was expecting that to be the case.

Anyway, my advice for whatever that's worth...which I should start charging people...then maybe people would think I might actually know what I'm talking about...is to skip the internet doctor and go to a real one!