Dr., Dr. Give Me Some News:

Also-one reason I haven't been blogging lately is that I've been so run down! For the past 4 weeks I have felt drained of all energy, nauseous and dizzy after eating, and just plain tired! So, naturally, I go to the internet to self-diagnose!

Gone are the old days of hypochondria and here are the new days of cyberchondria! Yes, cyberchondria...for those who aren't familiar with the term...it means exactly how it sounds: the crazies stemming from internet health info. (yes that is the medical definition-lol)! I actually went online today and looked up hypochondria and the symptoms...this is what most people should be looking up instead of their so-called illnesses. Hypochondria is actually a symptom of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. But, if you have hypochondria, do you really have OCD or are you be a hypochondriac about it? Who knows. Whether it's hypo or cyber, it's the same deal...living in fear that any minor ache or pain is actually a sign of a life threatening disease.

Back to my feeling yucky. By the way, I looked up hypo and cyber chondria because when I looked up my symptoms of dizziness, nausea, etc. the internet suggested I had any one of the following (not all are listed):

cancer
blood clot in the brain
blood clot in the heart
mini-stroke

So, considering all these possible illnesses, I decided the internet health sites suck. But, what drives me so badly to look up a symptom when I feel ill? The first place I go is the internet! And, the next place I go is into crazy town in my mind. So, off to the doctor I go...today is my appointment. I'm wondering how many days I have left to live! What's so awful is that after reading all the internet sites, I have mentally prepared myself for anything that he might suggest is the cause. Like I always say...better to be prepared for the worst. I know, that's a great motto to live by...and that's why I'm living in an OCD type of fantasy land. Although, I thought fantasy land would actually be cool stuff, not weirdo type stuff.

I actually went to the doctor last week (my now old doctor) and he sent me to a nurse to have my blood taken. The chick was the only person working there to do blood/urine work...and I was 1 of 2 patients there...so not busy. She not only took a personal phone call and told the person to hang on and set the phone right beside me where the caller could hear in detail how my blood wasn't flowing and hear me squeal when she hurt me! The lady poked me once and couldn't get anything, then poked me in the hand! Ouch...the hand hurts! Now, I have a half-dollar sized bruise there. So, I have found a new doctor!

I will keep this illness junk updated once I know....so, so long for now!!

Long time...Good Grief

I haven't added any updates to this in quite awhile...2 weeks to be exact. So, many things are going on. We will start with Max. Max, my sister's cat, has been gone for about two weeks. He went missing after chasing a mouse in her new neighborhood. We had all (my sister, husband, me, my husband, and my parents) been posting flyers searching, etc. My sister and her husband are continuing to do so devotedly.

I know the anguish of losing a loved pet...it is one of the most agonizing feelings. Taking care of your pet makes you feel, in a way, almost in control of another's life...not in a bad way, but in a good way. You are the one responsible for the nourishment and safety of your pet...you help form their behavior and are able to give love to them. You learn to trust in your pet...pets are more trustworthy than people. And, when a pets goes missing, all those comforts are yanked away...it leaves a huge void in you. I can only describe it as if someone reached in your chest, grabbed your heart (I picture physical heart, even though it really is the love-type of heart), and yanked it out and ran away as fast as could be, only leaving you with an empty cavity. It's like standing there and looking out on a horizon and feeling so empty. What is so heartbreaking, is that you know your pet is feeling the same way...but, they are going into primal mode. They have to deal with not only surviving in an unfamiliar world, but the anguish of not being able to find home. It reminds me of my grandmother, when she lost her mind (dementia)...she always wanted to go home...she felt so lost. I think of what that must feel like. It's like when your a kid and you lose your mother in a department store...the fear, the cold sweat, the emptiness engulfing you. It saddens me when people hear that a pet is lost and think nothing of it, as in 'oh well, just get another'. To some people, their pets are children...so would you just go find another child if one is lost? Even if pets aren't like children, they are warm bodies with feelings and thoughts. How could anyone be so dismissive of such beings?

Back to Max. The world for him has changed...and he can only be at peace once he comes home. Not to mention my sister being at peace. Her home is incomplete as it is at this moment...a family member is gone, but no closure has been given. Closure would help in a healing process of grieving over him being gone. But, when a pet is missing...it is so unknown. I thank God there is no closure right now...closure means an end...and this is not the end at all! I truly believe that this has been a beginning in their family. To lose someone for a time makes all your feelings and appreciation for them consume and flood over you. My sister getting married a few months ago was an addition to her life and a new beginning at real love with a human being...I truly believe (even though her husband loves Max already) that the purpose is to bring them all together as one. There is no longer her, him and the cat...but one unit...a family. A family is what so many people don't appreciate anymore. I don't believe God caused Max to be lost...that was the work of the Devil...but God will turn the Devil's work into a purpose filled with love and lessons.

Side note: One example of God turning something of the Devil into love and purpose: when I was divorced, there was much grief and sadness (the divorce was the work of the Devil), then I met my husband-God turned the Devil's work into what He (God) had for me. God provided a new start, a new me, and a new road to travel to develop a closer relationship with Him (my husband led me to God). God doesn't do bad things to people so they 'learn a lesson'. God takes what the Devil has cursed you with and turns it to good (if you allow Him to).

Back to Max...I have been known in the past to have 'feelings'. Not just feelings as in happy, sad, etc. But, feelings as in I feel something good will happen or something bad. It can be called discernment in the spiritual realm. When Max disappeared, I was flooded with feelings. But, my spirit has been calm. At first, it bothered me I was so calm...I was worried that I was so selfish and too concerned with my own 'world'(the feeling came into my head for only a few minutes). But, I realized that wasn't it...I truly believe that Max will be reunited with my sister and her husband. I have great peace about it. I don't know how or when it will happen, but it will happen. I think faith is a huge part of this. All of these thoughts were racing through my mind on the 2nd or 3rd day of the search. I was walking alone in a field behind her house and I kept saying, 'God please lead me to Max, please lead him home'. I kept praying, 'please reveal him to me'. Although Max isn't home yet, faith is there. It takes a strong person, and a person with a true and great love for her pet to continue a search every day and night, losing sleep, to find her cat. I believe it has brought her and her husband even closer...they have united in their search for him...he has shown her his devotion to her and Max (not that he needed to show it, but this is just a visual sign of his love for them). It has brought the family closer...the concern, prayers, and yearning to see my sister's family as one unit. When you look from the outside into this picture, it sounds like a children's book showing how to love and unite. A fairy tale of a husband and wife desperate to reunite with their baby (Max) and the journey in which they go to accomplish it. They, in the midst of their journey, unites a family and builds their foundation in their marriage for their future.

For those of you who think I've lost my mind by making a lost cat such a huge issue...I will just say: get out of your own self and love someone (not something-material things of this world). Once you have put all your trust and care into someone (even a cat), you will know the importance of maintaining such a deep connection.

Grrr!

I haven't posted since Monday...goodness! It has been a crazy busy, busy week! While I was off in my own little world today, I overheard one of my most dreaded phrases...yes, like nails on a chalk board! Then, I started thinking of all the "work" phrases that I despise:
"Give me a heads up"
"Keep me in the loop"
"Playing phone tag"
"Playing catch up"
There are many, many more, but I can't think of them right now. But, every time I hear one of these-it drives me absolutely crazy! I just want to scream!

Anyway, off for now!

Monday...again!

I cannot believe how fast the weekends go and how terribly slow the week goes by! My weekend involved many things that were completely unplanned! One of those things was my car's a/c went out! It wouldn't be such a big deal, but it is Texas and summer..so it was a huge deal! Luckily, it won't cost too much to fix (a band-aide fix, but still). I actually got some canning done too! Saturday I canned bread and butter pickles...it was awful! Not only does my house wreak of pickles, but when making them I had made a mistake! I cut up all the cucumbers and onions, packed them in pickling salt and let it do it's magic for the hour and a half required. I then made the vinegar and spices (which are expensive) concoction...as I was pouring the cucumbers & onions into the vinegar+spices, I realized I forgot the ice cubes (which breaks everything down in the cucumber/onion/salt mixture! So, I threw them out (after throwing a horrible tantrum) and Scott went and bought another 4 lbs of cucumbers. Luckily, for my sanity, he helped me cut everything up and start over! It was insane hour in princess world! Hopefully, they will turn out okay...I have to wait 4-6 weeks to see if they taste good (recommended wait time for best flavor). Then, Sunday I made the strawberry jam. I have never made jam or jelly so this was an experience! It turned out good I guess? The jam is a little runny, but once I put it in the fridge overnight, it jelled perfectly! But, giving them out as presents I'm not so sure about! I may need another try at it!
Scott was loving this canning gig since while I'm busy doing all that crap, he's on his XBox 360 playing Fable 2...I cannot see what he likes about that game! It drives me crazy! Anyway, other than the car freaking out on me, not so bad...but, it flew by! I feel ripped off...like it went so fast it just wasn't fair! I think the only thing that would make this whole ordeal livable is if mom makes some chicken fried steak with mashed potatoes and gravy for dinner one night this week...and, of course, calls me early to let me know not to miss out on it! Seriously...chicken fried steak!!

I thought I'd show you a couple of pictures from my 40 hour a week prison of pure boredom!! I know, I know...you're jealous that I get to look at these scenes all day every day.

Today is Friday...finally!

At work, every other Friday we have the option to take a half day if we've made up the 4 hours during the week. This is NOT my half day...but, I'm glad half the people in Accounting are leaving now! It makes for a very quiet, peaceful Friday afternoon.

My weekend plans: will go over to my parents house to NOT have chicken fried steak. I requested it because it's my favorite, but mom said she just made it blah blah blah. All I really heard was no and then a bunch of filler! Mom, I hope you're reading this...I want my chicken fried steak next week! Oh then later, I plan to go to the grocery store to get something to can tomorrow. I really like canning vegetables and I want to try fruit this time. I may go with pickles (again) and then jam next weekend if I have time. Due to financial yucks everyone in the family may be getting my canning products for Christmas presents...so y'all don't get your hopes up too much for anything spectacular for Christmas! I just went last night to buy a bunch of jars (I only got 3 cases) from Ace Hardware on Memorial/Dairy Ashford...they were having a really good sale! Then pizza party Sat. night, then errands, church on Sunday.

Update: Finances, Husband, & Stress

Okay, so yesterday I was going on and on about the finances & husband. Finances are still on my crap list, but the husband is now off (he comes and goes a lot on that list)! I will continue clipping my coupons and working on my financial plans. I just bought an ad for our company in the local paper...hoping to hear back from them on when the first issue will include it. I'm anxious to see if we get any calls from it! Keep your fingers crossed!

Finances, Husband, & Stress...not all in that order!

I have nothing going on at work today...very boring and quiet. Thank goodness! But, one thing is going on today...the dreaded fight-with-husband-while-at-work ordeal! I just hate when I'm at work and stressing as usual about everything I need to do at home! I spoke to my husband on the phone and of course when the subject of finances and the future of our finances (or the lack there of) an argument erupted! Why does it seem that women worry more than men about stuff? Or, is it just that women worry and vocalize it, and men worry the same amount but just don't say anything? Either way, my husband irritated me to no end! Every time I bring up the finances, he responds with "don't worry" or "I'll take care of it", but if that were true why are we always struggling financially? I know, when growing up, I remember my parents always telling me how "poor" they were and that they didn't have any money, but we still managed to go on vacations and go out to eat every now and then. So, is their "poor" the same as my "poor"? No! We are so strapped right now...counting every penny! I'm exhausted from keeping up with the money we don't have...I would at least like to see a light at the end of this very long tunnel. The stress involved with money is so much deeper than I could have ever imagined. It's not something that I stress about for 5 minutes then I'm over it for a few days...it's constant! We, of course, have the company we've started...but, we have 3 customers...the same 3 from 2 months ago...I see no light anywhere in this tunnel...I can't even turn on my own flashlight! So, now, on top of the financial stress there is the addition of the fight-with-the-husband stress. I guess God is really pushing my limit on what I can handle! I'm about to that breaking point to where I just want to lie down and raise the white flag. But, what would that help? Doing nothing is definitely worse than not keeping up with the financial plan. I've done the give-up-and- fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants thing...but, the only thing that comes out of that scenario is that I just lose my pants and can't afford another pair. Anyway, the stress with the husband is worse I think...even though it's not as long lasting as the financial saga. I hate sitting at work...and being in pure boredom as usual...and being mad and hurt and having everything being unresolved. What's so bad is that when I was on the phone with him giving him my two cents (which was all I could afford) I said some pretty yucky things. The yucky things though came out of real fears and feelings...I meant some of those things, but I could have verbalized them better and been not so accusing to him being the only culprit in this mess. So, should I apologize for the spouting off of my stress and anxiety? Probably, but why is it so hard to do that when you really meant a lot of what you said (not all the accusing things though)? It's pride for sure...I always have to be right...and if I'm not, I always have to still act like I'm right! I will have to mull that over for awhile...and I've got the time...I get to mull it over for at least another 4 hours. And, being upset at work is worse than at home...there's nothing here to take my mind off of it...my work requires no brainpower (what I'm doing today) so I've got the full 4 hours for this to play and re-run through my mind! Gripes!
PS-the lady in the cube across from me is clipping her finger nail-all I hear is the snapping-they are falling on the carpet....nasty!!

Ironic, don't you think?

When you open a Dove chocolate and the message on the wrapper says, "kick a bad habit"...and your bad habit is eating chocolate. That marketing idea sucked!

Update to Fashion:

I just saw the girl the sleep-at-desk lady was talking about...she looks really cute! She's thin and is sporting a really pretty, form fitting dress. I would not say it's inappropriate because it's not form fitting in a hoe-ish way.

Fashion

Okay, first thing I hear today is the sleeping-at-the-desk lady's voice telling me something negative about another co-worker! Lovely! I just love the few moments in the morning that everyone is quiet and peaceful (because they're just waking up), but totally hate when that moment is ruined by a who-cares piece of negativeness! Anyway, I have been complaining too long now...I'm even annoying myself! Later!

Ho Hum, A New Week Has Begun:

Oh my goodness! Another week has begun. One day I fully expect for my boss to come to my desk and offer me double my salary for such a great job I do! While I'm waiting for that to happen, I'll just keep observing the goings on of the office. Today, has been less than interesting! One lady has been asleep for more than an hour at her desk! Seriously, everyone's supposed to believe you have been concentrating on that difficult invoice for over an hour?! Also, the lady who thinks people are always talking about her has made her rounds to practically everyone's cubicle gossiping about everyone else...ironic. While, I'm here doing my job. Oh yes, I have reclassified my job as researching coupon deals online, e-mailing my sister, looking on facebook from my cell, and oh yes, working on actual work stuff! I guess I'm no better, but at least I'm not bugging everyone else!  Mondays seem like such quiet beginnings, only to lose it's sanity the next morning. I love that no one feels like being here so they don't talk as much to each other and start as much drama. But, once Tuesday morning hits, everyone is back to normal or twice as bad...making up for Monday and giving you a dose of Tuesday as well. Hopefully, that wasn't confusing...I kind of confused myself...it is Monday after all. And, in closing, I will quote a legendary, great movie (Office Space)..."do you have a case of the Mondays?". Why, yes, weirdo lady, I sure as heck do! And, with that I will sign off for today. Late double dawgs!!